‘If you want something go and get it’ or ‘If you want something, wait and it will come to you’. Which of these resonates most with you? ‘If you want something go and get it,’ relates more to a person with Physical sexual personality and ‘If you want something, wait and it will come to you.’ relates more to a person with Emotional sexual personality.

According to http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/mf/3310.0, In 2015, there were 48,517 divorces granted in Australia, an increase of 2019 (4.3%) from the 46,498 divorces granted in 2014.. Sadly what is true for Australia is also true for Sydney.

Most individual’s sexual personality is formed during the ages of 9 to 14 years and is usually determined by one’s father, or father figure. In children, who often experience their father to be more physically demonstrative than their mother, they usually develop physical sexual personalities. While in cases where their mother, or mother figure, are more physically dominant and attentive than their father, the child will develop emotional sexual personalities.

In cases where the child is raised by a single parent, the child often replaces the missing parent figure with an aunt, uncle, teacher or friend of the family. The child develops his or her sexuality by comparing the actions demonstrated by the real and the substitute parent. This helps us in understanding that, sexuality, even in the case of children separated from a biological parent, is determined by the physical affection and touch, experienced between the father and mother figure. Depending upon which parent offers physical attention, the child develops that personality. For example, if the father offers more physical attention than the mother, the child develops physical sexual traits, but if the child receives less physical attention from the father than from the mother, they develop emotional sexual traits.

Usually, emotional sexual father have emotional sexual children and physical sexual father have physical sexual children. Let us understand how this development takes place.

The physical sexual male is very noticeable in his behaviour. He is highly expressive and demonstrative amongst company, touching others while conversing, and enjoying demonstrating physical contact with people. As a father, he demonstrates the very dame behaviour by holding, touching, hugging and kissing his child. He may play with the baby by tossing them in air or by bouncing the baby on his knee. This activity forms the fundamental basis of developing sexuality, and in this case mostly Physical.

As we have discussed earlier, in many relationships, men and women are of opposite sexuality. During formative years, the child observes the emotional sexual traits of the mother, who is less noticeable in her own behaviour and less physical with the child, she will be nurturing towards the child, by feeding the baby or picking up the baby when necessary, but she is more purposeful in her actions, she responds to the child’s needs.

The physical sexual father usually participates in the growth of the child. He attends the child’s school and other extra-curricular activities such as sports. The growing child closely observes the patterns of behaviour exhibited by his father and mother.He observes that his physical sexual father approaches his mother physically and pursues her affection and asks for her verbal and physical reassurance of her love for him. Whilst the mother displays being quiet and bashful, preferring to be pursued rather than to pursue. This is how the child learns that to receive his mother’s attention and affection, he must openly pursue her and draw her our to him. Thus, the child in many ways is a competitor to his father for seeking his mother’s attention and affection. As a result of this, the child develops his sexual personality, which he will later use to pursue his own adult relationships.

The Physical sexual father may teach his child, irrespective of their gender, to be comfortable with physical touch and affection, in the same way the father acts towards the child’s mother. This conveys the attitude,’If you want something, go and get it,’ resulting in the development of the child’s physical sexuality.

Whilst in the house of an emotional sexual father and physical sexual mother, the development of sexuality is very different during the child’s formative years. As the father is less noticeable than mother, the child adopts emotional sexuality. Looking at his father’s emotional sexual behaviour, the child learns to sit back and wait to be approached. He observes his mother to be an aggressor, while his father doesn’t reach out or express his emotions, and doesn’t enjoy physical touch or affection. This lays in the belief of the emotional sexual that,’If you want something, wait and it will come to you.’

This is usually how one develops one’s sexuality, however in many cases, children can develop sexuality that is opposite to that of their father. This can happen when the child perceives behaviour acted out by their paternal parent;factors like socio-economic background, parent’s relationship with each other and many more factors that may not be congruent with the parents own sexuality.

In human development, it is very common for us to seek things that we know and understand and resist or feel threatened about things that we don’t. It is merely fear of the unknown. This basic law is a very strong part of our sexual personality.

The physical sexual adult understands and displays his emotions through actions but as a child, they are unaware of the lack of it. So, as an adult they try recreating the event which involves expressing emotions through physical touch and feel threatened by the lack of it. While, emotional sexual people are aware and understand the lack of outward expression of emotions and feel threatened by acting out the opposite. Thus, sexuality is our defence against the behaviour we are uncomfortable with.

The relationship between two people who are extreme sexual opposites can prove to be disastrous. This is because, they have very different perspectives and needs, which fail to satisfy each other. Whenever there is conflict between the couple, they imagine the needs of their partner as a threat to their natural behaviour and usually defend themselves. This happens because:

  • They demand that their partner adopt the very behaviour that they are suppressing. For example, the physical sexual person would demand that their emotional sexual partner be affectionate while the emotional sexual person would desire their own space.
  • We tend to judge others based on ourselves or our experiences in life. Since the extreme sexual personalities have little or lack of complete knowledge, or experience of their opposite behaviour, they are unable to understand it and are less accepting of the behaviours of their partner.

Hence, sexuality is one’s defence mechanism, where one could become extremely defensive and rigid.

There are temporary solutions where one could attract a partner of the same or less dominant sexuality, this could minimise the risk of conflicts, but this is not a definitive solution. Two people with emotional sexuality in a relationship may not communicate with each other or act out their sexual needs because they are waiting for the other to approach them, while two physicals will start competing with each other, resulting in neither of them being able to satisfy their own need for dominance. It is healthy when physical sexual individuals help their emotional sexual partners to overcome their introversion, and emotional sexual individuals help to make their physical sexual partners self-content within themselves.

The permanent solution for this behaviour would be:

  • To educate, understand and accept the opposite behaviour of your partner, which shall remove fears and lower defences.
  • Adopting some healthy behaviours of our opposite partner, which will help in accommodating our partner’s need in relationship.
  • Upon understanding the dynamics of your relationship, and your partners sexual personality, one could later make some changes in one’s own sexual personality to help achieve an ideal situation between both partners.

It is very rare to find someone who has 100% physical or emotional sexual personalities. Many of us score somewhere in between the two extremes. Personalities scoring mid range, often depict balanced behaviour, they strike a good balance between the need to be close and maintain their distance. They are better equipped to attract and maintain healthy personal relationships.

Seek help…..talk to someone you trust. Consult a Hypnotherapist if find the need to.